if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do vagina's smell?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
