There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
