I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
