Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
