No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
