you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize