My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
