70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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