She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Will you blow on my dice?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize