So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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