Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
