Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
