I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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