It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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