then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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