tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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