My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Someone came in the potted fern
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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