Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize