No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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