One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
