i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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