he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
