Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
