Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
