It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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