4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize