I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
