Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
