I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize