Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
