I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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