The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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