dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
