Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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