What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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