it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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