Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize