youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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