You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
