Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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