**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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