I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
