oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
