Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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