Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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