I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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