Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
