I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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