First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
