I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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