I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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