I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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