his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
