I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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