That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
