Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At least life still wants to fuck me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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