Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
