woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
