I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
