I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
