On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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