So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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