I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
