I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize