Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
