Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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