WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
